Effort

I'm sitting up in bed right now with a pillow against my back.  I would put a heating pad on it, but I'm already sweating just lounging around in my home, and I don't have air conditioning.  I think I strained something right in the curve of my spine - nothing too serious, I'm sure, but it's making me think nonetheless.

This is probably the first time I have ever had a backache, and I think it's correlated to my run this afternoon.  It was hot, but the humidity was the real killer today.  I didn't take this into account, or rather, I chose not to take it into account.  So I would have to put int a little more effort to keep a pace I liked - working a little harder won't kill me.

After the first mile, I realized my pace was almost a full minute slower than what I wanted to maintain.  I was already really uncomfortable at this point.  My stomach was queasy, and my quads were unusually tight.  But my lungs were still feeling good, so I did the rest of my run at a much faster pace, trying to make up for lost time.

As soon as I got into my car, my back spasmed.  I was still able enough to run the rest of my errands for the day, but I definitely had a hunchback doing them.

I think I overdid it.  I think I am overdoing it.


I have always believed that if you don't get the results that you want, just work harder.  I grew up in a stereotypical Chinese family - if I got a 98% on a test, my parents would yell at me for being lazy and that I better get 100% next time.  There was always room for improvement, and there was always opportunity for work even harder.

Fast-forward 10 or so years.  My parents are a lot more relaxed now, but I am not.  In the past month, my personal life has been chaos, and I have reached my emotional breaking point several times.  I called my dad in tears, telling him I was disappointed in my failures, and that I just needed to put in more effort.

"No you don't," he said.  "You're human, not a robot.  You can't expect to work every waking moment of your life and still be ok."

I want get out of my old mentality.  I'm trying to allow myself to make excuses for myself, and to know what my limits are, both in running, and in life.  Hopefully when I do, I won't break down anymore.